I have had three round of chemo now, and I want to get this website current so that I can send it out to my friends and family.  I will need to be more concise to get caught up.  It was really hard for me to write the last couple of nights about this whole thing.  I don’t like to be so emotional and I don’t like to sound sad or negative, but I wanted to write my feelings truthfully.  This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced so far in my life, but I am feeling a lot better about things than I did even a few weeks ago.

Branden and I were sort of numb as we moved from San Diego to Utah.  We went back and forth from trying to be fun and happy to trying not to cry in front of the kids.  I would say that the first couple of weeks in our new place were incredibly hard for us emotionally, and physically.  We were trying to get so much done, and we were also trying to go to doctor’s appointments, help our kids get settled in, and talk to family or friends who needed to know what was going on.  I got really tired of having my diagnosis on my mind constantly.  When I would wake up at night my dreams were always about the cancer.  I wanted to feel normal at least sometimes, but it was impossible for me to stop thinking about it.

Beginning chemo was a good thing, because it made me feel like I was finally doing something about this problem that I have.

A couple of nights before I began chemo, Branden gave me a blessing.  This is a prayer that is especially for me.  Branden really tried to feel the right words he should say.  In the blessing I was told that I will have many healthy years ahead of me.  I have felt much calmer since I recieved this blessing.  I completely believe in it.  I’m not sure exactly what “many healthy years” means, but it sounds good to me at this point.  I believe that it means I will be able to raise my kids and feel good for a long time.  I feel so much better and more hopeful because of this beautiful blessing I recieved.  It just felt right.

As we moved we were overwhelmed with the kindness of friends from both San Diego, who helped us with our move on that end, and with our new neighbors in Utah, who have reached out to us in an amazing way.  We have friends from Boston, San Diego, Michigan, Utah, and Missouri and Iowa (and a few other places) who have sent us messages of support, sent hats or scarves for my now bald head, or who have given money for help with childcare or meals during this difficult time in our lives.  Each day I am amazed at the love and kindness and thoughtfulness of the people in my life.  I was thinking about this as I drove up for chemo on Friday, and it just reminded me how much I have to be thankful for.

Chemo has been tolerable so far.  I sit for a few hours and am injected with toxins that will kill cancer, as well as do other bad things for my heart, kidneys, etc..  I lost my hair a couple of weeks after my first chemo treatment.  For some reason I didn’t shed a tear over my hair.  I guess I just knew it was coming, and I was prepared for it.  My kids have handled it pretty well.  Alec decided to shave his head when I did to “help me feel better” about losing my hair.  He thought of that all by himself.  What a sweet boy I have!!

I have felt some fatigue and some nausea from the chemo, but not too bad.  In about 4 weeks (on July 7th) I will get another PET scan to see how the chemo is working, but until then I just have to assume and hope that it is doing what it is supposed to.

I run/walk a few times a week still, but it is slow and that is when I can tell that I am tired.  But it still makes me feel like my old self, and that is what I need right now.

I think that I will beat this cancer, and I am feeling more optimistic about it all the time.  I am more and more thankful each day for the amazing families that Branden and I both have, and for incredible friends who are showering me with love and support.  It really does lift my spirits, and makes me feel excited to beat this thing!  I have always been more of a private person, but I feel more and more that there is a reason we are all in this world together, so I am trying to be more open, as well as allow myself to be lifted by the kindness of the amazing people that Heavenly Father has placed around me.

I will keep writing to let any of you reading this know what is going on.  Now that I am “caught up” I should be able to do a better job of keeping you current with how treatment is going.  Thank you again for all your well-wishes and prayers.  They mean everything to me!